Family Rules
There are many transitions that will occur when a couple
marries. Two people come together to start a new family. They come from two
different ‘worlds’ in a sense. Each brings their own ideas and perceptions of
what their new life will be, based on what they have observed and experienced
in their family growing up.
‘Unfortunately, many newlyweds tend to bring to their marriages a fairy-tale
belief in living happily ever after, a belief seemingly based on this
supposition: “We have been good. Therefore, only good things will happen to
us.’ This belief seems to blind them to the fact that their relationship will
undergo radical and usually unexpected changes” (Poduska, 2000, p. 25). Life
never stays the same; there is constant change in all living things, including
marriage. As a married couple adjusts to married life, they come to learn and
grow together.
In his book, Till Debt Do We Part, Bernard Poduska talks
about the ‘family rules’ that each family has. He distinguishes three levels of
rules that are maintained and transmitted from generation to generation.
- Explicit Family Rules – rules expressed verbally
- Implicit Family Rules – taught through nonverbal communication – these have the greatest impact
- Intuitive Family Rules – also unspoken – these are more far reaching, emotionally inherited
A newly married
couple needs to understand the differences they bring and to work to establish
their own rules, combining the rules from both families. This will help with
future matters such as finances and childrearing. “It is important that couples
understand the rules that bias their perceptions, because these rules influence
not only how they expect others to behave but also the consequences they mete
out to those who break these rules. One of the most frequent consequences of
breaking family rules is distancing by other family members” (Poduska, 2000, p.
30).
In-Law Relations
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and
shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24).
When a new family unit is established, through marriage,
both spouses are now part of another ‘new’ family. We often refer to this new
family as “the in-laws”. Learning to deal with in-laws can be challenging, but
also rewarding. Every family is different, so trying to fit in with the in-laws
may be difficult. In the book Helping and Healing Our Families, authors James
M. Harper and Susanne F. Olsen give information in chapter 37 on establishing
good relationships with new family members. This chapter is titled “Creating
Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families” (Haupt, et. al. 2000). “One of
the major opportunities the formation of a new marriage offers is that of
negotiating relationships between the families the spouses grew up in and the
partnership they create through marriage” (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 327).
Parents need to allow newly married children to establish
their own family unit with their own traditions and identity. Married children
build their own identity and decide how they will involve extended family
members. Family holiday traditions are one area where conflicts may arise.
“Sensitive parents-in-law recognize it is important for couples to develop
their own traditions and have time together on special occasions. Parents can
help by genuinely not pressuring their grown children to be at every family
gathering, even though they will be missed.
I was blessed with a great parents-in-law who helped me
understand the importance of allowing newly married children to establish their
own family identity. We have always lived near both of our families, which gave
us many opportunities to be involved in family gatherings. My in-laws were
accepting of me and including me in the family. They were always there to help
if needed but were never pushy or demanding.
As my children have married, I have tried to be a good mother-in-law. We have accepted each new member of the family and tried to make them comfortable at family events. With a large family, this has not always been easy. We make special effort to visit with each of our children and their family on a one to one basis to build our relationships with their spouse and children. We are there when help is needed but try to not be criticizing in any way. In my studies this week, I have seen more ways that I might build my relationships with each of my children-in-laws.
The family is ordained of God, we need to build and maintain
family relationships that will endure through eternity. This is an ongoing
process, but even though it may be difficult, it will be glorious to have every
family member present in the eternities. I want to make all family members feel
welcome in our home.
Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). Creating Healthy
Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family. In Haupt, J.H., et.al. (Ed.) Helping and Healing Our Families, (pp.
327-334). Provo, UT: Deseret Book Company.
Poduska, B. (2000). Till
Debt Do Us Part, Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.
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