Seeking to Understand

As I have stated in previous posts, all married couples will have differences. In last week’s studies we learned that there are two different types of problems that couples have, solvable and perpetual or irreconcilable problems. This second type of problem can lead to distress in the marriage, if not understood by both partners.

In Gottman’s book (2015), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he explains his sixth principle – “Overcome Gridlock”. Gridlock is when both partners cannot “find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements” (Gottman, 2015, p. 236.) Gottman gives us questions to ask to determine if we have reached gridlock, (Gottman, 2015, p. 237.) He states: “As with most difficulties; the best approach to coping with gridlock is to avoid it in the first place” (Gottman, 2015, 237).

As we learn how to deal with perpetual problems and overcome gridlock, we will see our marriage and spouse in a different way. We will be able to understand the desires of our spouse and the driving force behind his/her actions. We continue to use the other principles taught by Gottman (2015) to strengthen our marriage relationship.

There is another key to help us with problems that occur in our marriages, the gift of charity. We often think of charity as something we develop and show towards those who are less fortunate. If, however, we study the scriptures that speak of the gift of charity, we come to understand that this is a gift from God and not a skill we develop. In his book, author H. Wallace Goddard (2009), explains in great detail how we can seek this gift in our marriage relationships and what great power it can give to us as couples. As we are given the gift of charity, we will humbly acknowledge our many weaknesses and that only through the grace and power of Jesus Christ can we be made clean for our sins. We will come to give this same grace to our partners, not seeing any weakness in them but only the many good things they do. “It is only when we recognize our weakness that we can be made strong by His perfect grace” (Goddard, 2009, p. 122.)

Goddard (2009) continues, “At some point in your marriage, like me, you have probably enjoyed at least 80% of your spouse’s traits. Even then, there is that bedeviling 20% that still annoys us. Most of our marriage-fixing efforts are focused on that bothersome 20% of our partner’s character that we just can’t find a way to enjoy…Such tampering with spousal character, though well-intended is simply not effective. Criticism does not lead to repentance and growth. It leads to anger, defensiveness, and distance” (Goddard, 2009, p. 125.) On page 126 Goddard continues this conversation, “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weakness with our Charity! God is serious about cultivating our charity. Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” (Goddard, 2009).

How wonderful for us to treat our spouse in the same manner as God treats us! God is willing to accept us as we are through the grace of our Savior Jesus Christ who has provided the way for our forgiveness. Should we not allow the same for our spouse and give them the same charity, the same grace and forgiveness? As I have come to see only the good in my husband and cherish him for who he is and who he can become in eternity, I understand better the power of Christ’s charity towards me. I want to help my husband be the best he can be – he wants to help me achieve my best. What a glorious relationship we are building, and you can too!

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hill, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.