Staying Emotionally Connected

In the Doctrine and Covenants section 64, verse 33 we read “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”
Staying connected emotionally with our spouse is done by small and simple things. John M. Gottman, Ph.D. refers to this as his third principle for making marriage work. He calls it “Turning Toward” each other (Gottman, 2015, p.87).

In our day to day interaction with our spouse we build trust and emotional connection. Gottman refers to the little things we do for each other as making deposits in our “emotional bank account”. These are simple things such as acknowledging the feelings of your spouse, a simple touch as you pass by, sharing similar beliefs, interests, and goals. “Having a surplus in your emotional bank account is what makes romance last and gets you through hard times, bad moods, and major life changes” (Gottman,  2015, pg. 88). When hard times come in life, we can draw upon the resources in our “bank account” to help us navigate through them.

Often marriage is explained as a triangle, the two bottom points are husband and wife, the top point being God. As we each draw closer to God, we become closer to each other. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, states “When our focus is on the unpleasant and mundane, we trivialize everything… we bicker and bristle and fail to claim the blessings that God has offered… 

When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different…When we have vibrant faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, we know that the irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character” (Goddard, 2009, pp. 58-59).

We will grow closer as a couple as we see our marriage as an eternal unit. We know that just as we have faults and weaknesses, that can be changed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, our spouse also is not perfect. He too, can overcome his faults and weaknesses through the Atonement. As we seek to draw closer to God by improving ourselves, we strengthen our relationship with our spouse.

A few months ago, I realized that when my husband was talking about his day, I was not fully listening to him. I decided that I needed to be a more active listener, putting down my phone, turning off my computer, and really trying to hear what he was saying. This has helped me to be more interested in his day, the ups and downs he has, and to be more connected with what he is saying. This is just one small example of how we can ‘turn toward’ our spouse.

In his book, Gottman (2015) gives us four exercises that can help us in filling our “emotional bank accounts” so we can weather the storms that come in life. We need to work at this during the good times, so we have strong emotional bonds for when hard times come. Those who do not have this bond in marriage are not able to cope and seek emotional support elsewhere.

As stated in the scripture I shared at the beginning of this post, it is through ‘small things’ that we can build our eternal marriage. I encourage you to look at your marriage and ask if you can strengthen it more by ‘turning towards’ your spouse and drawing closer to God. I testify that these are true principles that can help each of us on this journey through life.


Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J.M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.