John M. Gottman, PH.D., wrote a book entitled: The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work. In the first few chapters he talks about
his work as a therapist, studies on marriage, and what behaviors really affect
marriage negatively. On page two of his book, he states, “I can predict whether
a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen
minutes.” (Gottman, 2015) Most people think that communication, or the lack of, is the number
one cause of marriage failure. Gottman tells us, he does not agree with this. “Happily
married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than
others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps
their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have)
from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of
disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs…. This positive
attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of
romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that are the heart of any
long-lasting love affair. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent
marriage.” (Gottman, 2015,
pp. 4-5.)
We need to continually work to make our marriage successful.
We need to work together, as a team. We need to understand that our spouse,
just like our self, is not perfect. We need to be able to look past their
faults and only look for the good. Forgiveness, friendship, and understanding are essential elements of a happy marriage.
Several years ago, I was not feeling very connected with my
spouse. I was a busy mom; doing all the things that we do to take care of home
and family. My husband was self-employed and spent many hours at work. I began
to be irritated with things my spouse did or did not do. I was not in a good
place as a wife. I went to the Lord in prayer seeking to be able to remember
the love that I had for my spouse when we married. The idea came to me to write
down one or two reasons each day of why I was thankful for my spouse. I began
to do this, noting all the reasons I was grateful for my husband. After a few
weeks I began to see him in a different light. I again saw all the many reasons
I fell in love with him, all the ways he blessed my life, and the way that God
sees him. This exercise has helped me to view my husband as someone with many
great qualities. He may not be perfect at everything, but he is perfect for me;
he is my best friend!
Gottman, J.M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
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